Michelle

 

It was September of 1990 and nothing could burst my bubble.  Life was great!!  I was in love with the man of my dreams and it was the beginning of my senior year.  I had the whole year planned.  I would go to endless parties, I’d wear the most beautiful dress to prom with prince charming as my date, I’d go to the senior all-nighter with the greatest friends in the whole world, graduate with my class, and then I’d head off to Lake Superior State University where I would study Criminalistics.  My head was swollen with dreams of my future:  graduation, college, marriage, and then children. My whole life was before me and it felt wonderful.

 

As my senior year got under way, everything was going just as planned, until the day in November when I found out I’d passed the one test that I never thought I’d take in high school.  As I stood in the family bathroom gazing at the positive result, I felt a sudden urge to throw up.  I felt dizzy and weak and my head, now clouded with guilt and shame, weighed 500lbs.  I just couldn’t believe I was pregnant.  I remember running a bath so no one would hear me crying.

 

I remember going to school and telling my friends.  Not one said I should keep the baby.  A few of my friends already had abortions and to them it was the perfect option.  To them it would fix my “problem”.  The man of my dreams actually came to me with $ 400 to help cover the cost of the procedure.  My decision at the time was not to think about it at all.  I knew I was pregnant, I’d seen the results.  But somehow I was able to pretend that I wasn’t.  I was back to hitting all the senior parties with the greatest friends in the whole world and the man of my dreams.

 

At 3 months pregnant I started getting morning sickness and my mom found out my secret.  A few weeks later she took me to see a doctor.  Ironically, this would be my first trip to a gynecologist.  As I lay there on the table I dreamed that he was going to tell me I wasn’t pregnant after all.  All my guilt, humiliation, fear, pain and shame would disappear.  I remember he put an instrument to my abdomen turned it on and there it was--the confirmation that I didn’t want to hear, a sound so loud that I thought the whole world could hear it.  I could hear the heart beat of my unborn child.  I knew then that I had a life growing inside of me despite the words of friends who claimed it was anything but a life. 

 

At the end of the 5^th month I was starting to show and a few of my teachers at school were starting to suspect.  My greatest friends in the whole world had started to turn on me, the man of my dreams had started abusing me and other students had begun to whisper behind my back.  I started wondering if I had made the right decision.  I kept saying to my self, "just get an abortion, no one will know.  It will end the guilt, humiliation, fear, pain and shame that you carry every day."  It was during this month that I felt my child move for the first time.  It was as if he was saying, "Hold on mom! I promise you will not always feel this way". 

 

At 6 ½ months pregnant everyone knew I was pregnant. It was during this month that my dad found out.  He wanted me to have an abortion at first but soon rallied to my side when my school teachers & principal requested that I transfer to a school for pregnant teens.  According to them my condition was causing a disruption to other students.  With the help of my father, I was allowed to stay.

 

At 8 months pregnant there I sat, at graduation, reflecting on how much I had changed mentally, physically and emotionally during the year.  I remembered the dreams I once had of my future, dreams that it seemed I had made so long ago.  I didn’t get to go to endless parties.  I didn’t get to wear the most beautiful dress to prom with prince charming as my date.  I didn’t get to go to the senior all-nighter with the greatest friends in the whole world and I knew I wouldn’t be heading off to Lake Superior State University where I would study Criminalistics. 

 

As they called my name I waddled to the stage with my belly protruding through my gown to receive my diploma.  I was happy that I had made it that far and yet I was still guilt ridden and ashamed of my condition.

 

It has been 16 years since I walked that stage and received my diploma.  Many friends, students and teachers doubted I would ever make anything of my life.  My greatest accomplishment to date has been proving them wrong.  Today I’m 34 years old.  I hold a BBA in accounting.  I’m the wife of an Engineer who ironically graduated from Lake Superior State University  (my college of choice in high school).  My son is now 16 years old and in the 10^th grade.  He hasn’t seen his biological dad in over 14 years.  He likes to play guitar, listen to music and play video games.  He is a wonderful big brother to his little brother who just turned six this past August.  We all live together in a beautiful home in the town I grew up in.  Where I am free of the guilt, humiliation, fear, pain and shame I once felt 16 years earlier.

 

I’m often asked if I could go back would I have made the same decision and my answer is yes.  I have everything I ever wanted and didn’t have to sacrifice my son or my soul in order to get it.   I wish that I could say the same for my sister.

           

My sister who is three years younger than me found out she was pregnant a few months after she graduated from high school. She was attending a local University on a $ 25,000 scholarship when she received her news.   Under the pressure of a boyfriend who didn’t want to be a father my sister terminated her pregnancy.

 

I didn’t find out about my sister's abortion until the fall of 2002.  The fact is that she had kept it a secret for 8 years.  Did her decision make her life better?  You decide.  Read her story.